I changed my thinking. I’m not better than anyone, in fact I may be the worst person I know for lying in my shame instead of being loyal and honest. I knew my actions were hurting me. I didn’t get out of situations I heard God yelling at my heart to leave. I failed and I know it. I am not the same person. I’m not better, I’m not worse, I’m different. I’m a fighter who wants to love and be loved, be loyal and have loyalty from others, who can see his own mistakes and have the courage to make amends and move forward. I’m a lover who wants to live in compassion and integrity. I’m a sinner who falls and falls and falls and only by the grace of God can I even live to fall again another day. Yet even amidst all the times I failed and the days I hated me, I see that I don’t ever fall in the same hole. God protects my thoughts and his armor shields me from the flaming arrows of the enemy. Yet We call imperfect what God has made perfect in Jesus. You’re better than shame you feel and stronger than people surrounding you because of whom lives within.
A better person with a better life.
I have sought after this goal day after day for the entirety of my memorable existence, really before my memory even formed. As a baby I sought to be able to walk and feed myself and speak. As a child I sought to learn and pass my classes. As an adolescent I sought to be impressive to girls and become stronger and more outgoing, while looking to God to better my heart in how I treated people and show me who He wanted me to be as I grew. As an adult I have had various experiences and jobs, still stumbling about attempting to find my purpose and figure out what I want to be, where I want to go, what career I want and how I want to be known. What do I want people’s impression of me to be? I do not have it all figured out, but I know how I want to love and live as a faithful, diligent, understanding and loving man, and I think that is a pretty good step.