Depression looks different on everyone. It makes us all do things we wouldn’t normally do and can take some time to come out of, especially when we do not recognize it. We are not fully in control of our actions when we are seeking to correct the problem no matter how strong or weak we think we are. For me, when I am uber down I try to talk and reason my way out of it. looking through tainted glass attempting to see MY desired outcome, causing me to misreadother people’s words and think they said one thing when the persons possibly meant another.
I have let my emotions rule me. Longing for days past when things seemed better, even allowing fear, as much as I have spoken against letting fear rule our decisions, I have let the fear tear me apart and now I reap the consequences of foolish, desperate actions now.
Depression rewires your brain. I began to think I had to fix everything. I dumped my advice on people who didn’t ask for or want to hear it.
Depression or heartbreak or whatever you want to label this state of being blinds us to the truth. We see only what we want to see, hear only what we want to hear and do only what we think will bring back the balance that was. Which generally makes things worse for us.
If you feel like you aren’t yourself, sometimes it helps us figure out what we want by becoming someone else for awhile. Most of the time, this change happens whether we want it to or not. Then, after a time, we realize we haven’t been ourselves and see who we actually want to be along with at least the first step to getting there. That’s when real change for the better begins. It won’t stick unless its made from a place of love; love of ourself, using the love of God to become whole again. No drugs, prescription or otherwise, can fix a problem of the heart. They dull or mask the pain temporarily, but ordinarily the body gets addicted while the mind remains broken. I’ve never used drugs but I have seen people who rely on them just to appear normal. Drugs and alcohol are a wall to hide behind and that wall has no solid foundation. With no foundation, walls collapse and destroy the life beneath. If you are suffering, I urge you to seek counsel and loving relationships, not drugs or alcohol or sex. Do not blame yourself for your past. Look to God and your future.
Nothing in this world is worth harming oneself over; not finances, not relationships, not impossible obstacles, nothing. I have never even had the possibility of taking my life enter my mind. Anyone who knows anything about me will tell you the same. Just because I say I do not want to live without something, does not mean I will die if I cannot. If any of you have ever considered hurting yourself, or anyone else for that matter, DON’T. The worst day of your life is still a prequel to the best day of your life. Give yourself the chance to get there.
I spoke to my mom today. She told me to stop beating myself up for mistakes and let go of things I can’t change. I’ve heard it all before but, today, from her it just made more sense. She told me God has forgotten my past because I have repented. Repentance means to turn away from. I ask forgiveness and God answers. I am not the fool who does not value people or show them how important they are. Even from just a few short days ago, I am not the lunatic who lets his tongue have control when his mind says silence. Sometimes, God does more with silence than with armies or action. Never give up hope friends. Trust in the Lord and turn to him when you are broken. I am still broken, but I have a few pieces in the right place for the first time. I pray for you daily and look forward to the future, whatever it holds. I am still afraid, but I won’t let my fear choke me anymore. My mom told me, “Time is short love.” There is too much love needing to be shared to keep it bottled up in hurt.
I love you! I love those of you reading and I hope this writing shows some of Christ’s love for you through me.
I am by no means complete, but He who began a work in me will see it through to its completion.
Grace and Peace,